I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
