Me. At least after what I've been through.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
