I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Even my vagina gasped.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
