I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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