I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
