My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just found a bag of teeth...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
