I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
