i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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