She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
