Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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