just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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