...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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