I looked at my own cervix.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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