Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
