I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
