I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
