They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
