is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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