I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
