There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Come on in and take your pants off
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