i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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