He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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