i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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