so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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