Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
