I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
