Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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