I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
