remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
