I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
