I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
