Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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