my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I need water and some morals
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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