Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
