Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
