So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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