I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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