I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
