I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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