Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
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Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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