So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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