ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
