Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
this is an emotional support booty call
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
