I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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