Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
