Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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