Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
