so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
