i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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