I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
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Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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