So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
