Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
