Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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