Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
