then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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