Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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