god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
