Three words: puerto rican gang bang
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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