I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
