my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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