it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
