saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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