is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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