who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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